Luckiest Teacher in the World

The text came late in the evening. A message from a former colleague, a third-grade teacher from the school I used to work at before getting sick. In her text message she shared with me that her class had made Christmas ornaments and as they were wrapping them up to take home, a former student of mine said, “I wish Miss Heyd was here so I could give this to her.” She wanted to let me know that I was missed. My heart leaped with joy but overwhelming emotion filled my heart. It was a push and pull. My heart pushing me to go visit, knowing I needed to see my student, but my mind tugging me away as I haven’t been able to step into the school since that day I left in August.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my students. Thoughts constantly swirl in my head as I ask myself, “How are they doing? Are they happy? How is their year going? Do they know how much I love them? Are they shining bright? Are they making good choices? Will they remember me? Did I do enough for them while I was teaching them? Do they know how much I miss them?” Little things happen daily that spark memories of my different students. These little things always bring a smile to my face, even on my hardest days.

But, this summer when my doctor declared that I was unable to return to teaching, my life forever changed. It was news that broke my heart. Cleaning out my classroom and walking out of the school for the last time in August was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I was welcomed by the school to visit anytime, but emotionally, the pain was too deep, and I couldn’t bear to do it. How could I walk back into the building that had been a home to me for ten years? How could I look at my students and not break into tears? What would it be like to walk into a place that I had poured my soul into, loved, and missed with all my heart? I was nervous and afraid.

My colleague texted me the next morning, encouraging me to visit after I told her how much I missed everyone. Somehow, through her kindness, she provided the support I needed to overcome my fears. And before I could let my worry take over, I drove straight to the school and walked up to the doors of the building.

Thousands of times I’ve walked through those doors over the ten years that I was a “Panda.” But this time was different. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I was truly nervous and afraid. Afraid of facing the reality of what I have lost by no longer being well enough to do what I love. But, with loving smiles, each person I saw warmly greeted me. When I entered the classroom of the colleague who had been texting me, my former student shouted out my name and ran to me. My heart sang. Emotions boiled in my soul. But, I was brave and held back the tears with all my might. I put on the biggest smile I could and tried to steady my shaking hands. He escorted me around to visit other classrooms to see other students I have taught throughout the years. Each time I was greeted with hugs, joy, cards, and expressions of how much I was truly missed. Students and teachers alike reminded me that I am not alone and that I am loved.

Today will forever be etched on my heart. It was not an easy day but it was a truly meaningful one. The Pandas are still my family and my students are still my Stars. I know that the void in my heart of not being able to teach will never truly go away, but today, that void grew smaller as it was filled with more love than I could have ever imagined. Thank you Pandas for reminding me that I am not forgotten and that I am truly loved. Thank you for making me the luckiest teacher in the world.

My former student, Seoyon Kim’s, first-grade artwork won best of show in the 2014 MLK Art Contest. The artwork is based off a picture I took of our class. In her depiction, some of the students from our class are represented but she also wanted to represent people from around the world.